Change Your Focus

12.21.25

“How are you?” I always answer that one on autopilot. Great. Good. Doing well. Tonight, sitting in a meeting, I stopped and asked myself if that’s true. Am I okay? And if I’m not—am I okay with that? Can I sit in the discomfort without trying to outrun it, fix it, explain it, or drown it in constant busy work? Do I have enough faith over fear to let a feeling exist without treating it like an emergency?

Up until yesterday, the week was normal. Steady. I’ve been intentional about not spiraling during the holidays. Trying to focus on gratitude over lack, presence over comparison. What’s new is how often I have to actively redirect my mind. The frequency of that redirect is loud. Exhausting. Probably seasonal. Probably human. Definitely noticeable.

Yesterday I witnessed someone I close to me have what most people like to call a spiritual awakening. I don’t love that phrase. Mine didn’t feel pretty or poetic. Mine was a reckoning. Rock bottom, the end of the road, nowhere to go, just finally willing.

Watching theirs cracked something open in me, in a good way. We talked over each other, both lit up, both knowing exactly what the other meant without needing to translate. We were excited and animated. That moment where something clicks and suddenly you’re not alone inside your own head anymore. It’s hard to describe without sounding dramatic, but it is dramatic. Call it a miracle or magic. Whatever it is, it’s real, and it’s rare, and it’s fucking amazing.

What stuck with me tonight was what their Higher Power kept telling them…change your focus. I believe I’m walking the path my Higher Power set in front of me. I’m not lost or off the rails and I’m doing the work. So, what’s this low-grade ache in my chest? That restless feeling that says I should be somewhere else no matter where I am. Is that a nudge to refocus or just my tolerance wearing thin?

My deep, abiding irritation with the holiday industrial complex. Birthdays already push my social limits the rest of the year. I like my calendar spacious and quiet. I like choosing, not enduring. Why does every human feel the need to host a holiday party? I don’t feel bad about that. It’s not selfish, it’s self-preservation. It’s mental health and sobriety. If protecting my peace disappoints people, that’s unfortunate, but it’s not fatal. For them or for me.

So no, I don’t have a neat answer to “How am I?” Maybe the answer is that I’m present, unsettled, honest, and sober. For now, I’m willing to stay curious and willing to let the feeling exist without assigning it a storyline. To just fuck around and find out.