01.12.26
I am really good at making things completely irrational in my head. Like, really, really good. Friday night I was reminded that not everything is about me, and that realization landed harder than I expected. You’d think it would have snapped me out of the funk I feel coming into my birthday week, but instead here I am, stuck in self-loathing and self-pity.
When I was younger, I used to look forward to my birthdays. Even without big celebrations, there was excitement. Now, as another one approaches, I am consumed with fear, and I don’t understand why. Sobriety has given me a clearer perspective on life, but clarity doesn’t always bring comfort. Sometimes it brings feelings I don’t know how to name.
I’m trying to use my spiritual tools to figure out what I’m afraid of. Am I afraid of being alone forever? I know, logically, that I have family and friends who love me. And yet emotionally, I sometimes feel like everyone else’s life is moving forward while mine sits stagnant like a puddle that attracts mosquitoes. That comparison quietly steals my peace, even though I know it isn’t the full truth.
The reminder that not everything is about me wasn’t a total failure. It brought some clarity. But clarity can sting. Especially around birthdays, when I can’t help but take inventory of where I am versus where I thought I’d be. Sobriety removed my buffer, and now I feel these thoughts without anesthesia.
I told myself yesterday that I need to sit in these feelings and actually feel them. But I don’t even know what they are yet. Maybe they aren’t ready to be labeled. Maybe they’re showing up as heaviness, restlessness, fear without a clear story. I don’t need to solve them today. I can’t solve them today. So, awareness has to be enough for now.
I keep reminding myself that I’m not broken. I’m not behind. I may not see obvious milestones, but that doesn’t mean I’m stagnant. I’m just in the in-between—growing in ways that aren’t visible yet. Sobriety didn’t promise ease, it promised truth. Once again, learning how to sit with. This program is simple, not easy.
I need to give myself compassion instead of judgment. Remember that feelings aren’t facts, fear doesn’t mean failure, and this season, however uncomfortable it is, is still part of my growth. They didn’t say it would be easy, they said it would be worth it.
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