The Edge of Living

01.18.26

I’ve been spending way too much time in my again head lately. Circling the same thoughts. Replaying, predicting, controlling, rehearsing. Trying to make outcomes feel safer before they even exist. It’s exhausting. And shocking…it’s not working.

This shows me that I need Step One. Not because I’m failing but because I’m human.

Step One isn’t just about alcohol for me. It’s about my obsession with control. Other people. Situations. Timing. Outcomes. Even my own thoughts. Especially my own thoughts. When I try to manage all of that, my peace is the first thing to go. I stop living in the present moment and start living in imaginary futures that may never happen. Cozy prison. Terrible view.

I keep hearing the same message in meetings. Different voices but the same truth. Surrender, acceptance, letting go, trusting something greater than myself. I don’t always like it. My fear would rather plan. It calls it being responsible. But I recognize the truth when I hear it, even when I resist it.

Underneath all of this is fear. Fear of uncertainty. Fear of getting it wrong. Fear of being fully alive. Staying in my head feels safer because nothing can actually happen there. No rejection, no risk, no disappointment. But also no growth. No peace. No real life.

I see now that trying to control my thoughts is just control wearing a lab coat. Same problem. New disguise.

The difference today is that I’m seeing the pattern faster. I’m not lost—I’m aware. That matters.

So today, my practice of Step One is simple and unglamorous. I admit I am powerless over far more than alcohol. I admit I am not in charge of outcomes. I choose to stop trying to manage what isn’t mine. I ask for help from my Higher Power, from the program, from other people. I stop negotiating with the terrorist in my head at 2 a.m.

Control keeps asking, “How do I make this turn out right?”. Surrender asks, “What’s mine to do today, and what isn’t?” The answer is usually small. Call someone. Breathe. Show up. Take the next right step. Don’t try to fix what hasn’t happened yet.

I don’t need everything figured out. I don’t need certainty to move forward. I just need honesty, willingness, and openness. Step One isn’t a setback, it’s the foundation. Gravity still works whether I like it or not.