02.02.26
I noticed something about myself recently that made me laugh and cringe at the same time. I have this habit of “saving” things for later. Candy, lotion, gift cards, little treats, treasures and trinkets. Because I think there will be a better time to enjoy them or because some part of me believes I need to deserve them first. And then, half the time, when I finally go to use them…they’ve spoiled, expired, or vanished into the black hole of my closet.
If I’m doing this with the small stuff, what am I doing with the big stuff?
How many moments of joy or comfort or peace have I rationed out of habit? How many opportunities have I quietly passed on because I thought I’d be “more ready” or “more deserving” later? It feels like this pattern is rooted in old fear-based survival mode. This belief that good things are limited, fragile, or only for future-me who somehow has her life perfectly together.
This ties right into my self-worth. Somewhere along the way, I learned to treat pleasure and joy as rewards, not as normal parts of being alive. And addiction only reinforced that. Addiction trained me to believe I had to earn everything good, and even then, it convinced me I never truly earned it. Recovery is showing me how deep those wires run.
But the upside of recovery is awareness. I’m starting to actually see the ways I hold myself back from the simplest joys. I’m catching myself in the act. I’m learning that joy isn’t something to hoard or schedule for a special occasion. It’s something I can allow myself right now—not someday, not when I’m better, not when I’ve “earned” it.
I don’t want to keep letting my life sit on the shelf until it’s expired. I want to use the good things now. I want to stop saving experiences for some imaginary perfect version of me in the future. I want to believe I’m worth good things today, because I am. I’m writing that to help myself believe it. I am worthy of good things today.
I’m learning to trust myself enough to show up for my own life in the present moment. Not later. Now. And eat the fucking cake. Now.
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