04.20.26
When I look back, it’s clear how much my idea of God had to change for me to even have a shot at recovery. I used to see God as the source of everything that hurt me, and that belief gave me a constant target for my anger. It kept me stuck in blame and resentment, and honestly, it also gave me an excuse not to look too closely at myself. In recovery, I had to tear that down and build something different that I could live with. I’ve created a God of my own understanding now, one that isn’t rooted in fear or punishment but in patience, steadiness, and something I can lean on instead of fight against.
This isn’t some clean, finished transformation. It’s still happening, and some days it feels like I’m right back in that old space, questioning everything and wanting to take control again. Turning things over doesn’t come naturally to me. I hear it, I understand it, I even believe in it at times, but actually doing it. Letting go of my grip on outcomes, people, and situations is another story. My default is still to manage, fix, predict, and protect myself from anything that might go wrong. There’s a part of me that thinks if I just think hard enough or prepare enough, I can avoid pain. And when I can’t, that old instinct to look for someone or something to blame isn’t completely gone.
I still catch myself asking “why” more than I probably want to admit. Why did this happen? Why now? Why me? I know that why isn’t a question that moves me forward. “Why” just turns into a loop that keeps me stuck, because most of the time there isn’t an answer that satisfies me. Or if there is one, it doesn’t change anything. Still, I ask it. There’s something human in that, something that wants things to make sense, that wants a reason for the things that hurt.
What’s different today is that I don’t stay there as long as I used to. I can recognize when I’m circling that question and gently try to shift toward something more useful, even if I don’t do it perfectly. Instead of only asking why, I’m learning to ask what now. What can I do with this? What does this situation require of me? Where can I show up differently than I would have before? That shift isn’t automatic, and it doesn’t always feel natural, but it gives me a way forward instead of keeping me stuck in place.
My understanding of God today isn’t something I feel all the time. It’s something I practice. There are moments where I feel connected, where it’s easier to trust that I’m not doing this alone, and there are other moments where that feels distant or even questionable. Handing things over, for me, often looks less like a single decision and more like a repeated action. I take something back, realize I’m carrying it again, and then try to let it go one more time. It can feel frustrating, like I’m not getting it right, but maybe this is what it actually looks like to learn trust over time.
I don’t have a perfect relationship with God, and I don’t think I need one. What I have is a willingness to keep coming back, even when I drift, even when I question, even when I fall into old thinking. The God I have today doesn’t demand that I get it right every time. There’s room for doubt, for questions, for growth. There’s room for me to still be learning how to live this out.
I’ll keep asking “why” sometimes. That part of me isn’t gone. But I’m also building a willingness to let go, to trust a little more than I used to, and to keep moving forward even without all the answers.
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