06.20.26
I woke up this morning feeling different. Not because anything in my life had changed overnight, but because my perspective had. As I listened to the rain outside, it felt like it was washing away some of the negativity, fear, and frustration I have been carrying around. For once, I wasn’t immediately focused on what was wrong or what needed to be fixed.
Every day I tell myself that I can’t control people, places, or things. It’s one of those sayings that gets repeated so often that it can start to lose its meaning. This morning, though, I actually believed it. I felt it. I stopped trying to mentally manage everyone else’s behavior, opinions, and choices, and just focused on my own actions and reactions. The day felt light. I felt happy, joyous, and free.
Absolutely nothing around me changed. The situations are still the same. The people are still the same. The uncertainties are still there. The only thing that changed was my willingness to stop carrying what isn’t mine to carry.
Today I did something completely out of character for me. I got a tarot card reading at the Emmett Cherry Festival. Not because I was looking for answers or expecting someone else to tell me my future. I did it because I wanted to. I’ve spent so much of my life talking myself out of little pleasures because they seemed unnecessary, frivolous, or a waste of money. I’ve always treated joy, for myself, like something that has to be earned.
One of the things she told me was that I need to treat myself sometimes. It doesn’t have to be lavish or expensive. It could be something as simple as buying myself a lollipop if that’s what I want. I realized how uncomfortable I am with giving myself permission to enjoy something.
I spend so much time taking care of responsibilities, solving problems, managing expectations, and showing up for other people. I’ve convinced myself that my wants should always come last. Today reminded me that there is nothing selfish about allowing myself small moments of joy.
Today’s gift was the remembering and practicing that my peace doesn’t depend on everyone around me behaving the way I want them to. It doesn’t depend on circumstances improving. It only depends on my willingness to let go of what I can’t control and be present for what is right in front of me.
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