12.26.24
This is a tough topic that I struggle with. Past relationships in my life have left me feeling abandoned, heartbroken, like no matter how much I gave, cared, shared, and loved it wasn’t enough. I wasn’t enough, I wasn’t worthy of love. I am working on this but it’s not a light switch I can turn off and my self-worth instantly feels validated. I have days when these emotions drag me down to the gutter and I obsess wondering what I didn’t do right, could have done better, and should have done more of, to be worthy of love in those relationships. When I love someone, I love them with my whole heart. And when this negativity creeps in like a dark fog, my OCD, depression, and anxiety take over and the negativity weighs me down, drowns me in self-pity.
Two months ago, I would have reached for a bottle of pills and a bottle or two, or ten, of chardonnay to chase them with. Dealing with these feelings sober fucking sucks, but now writing about them helps me release the negativity in a healthy way instead of a destructive one. And reading what I’ve written is a huge eye opener. I realize every time how fucking ridiculous and what a waste of time these emotions are. I am a lot to handle, I am very self-aware of this, it’s not a secret, I am extra in a lot of ways. BUT, I am worthy of love. I am worthy of loving and being loved, even on my bad days. I am worthy of loving and being loved, even when I am hurting and healing. We are all worthy of love.
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