1.30.25
Keep your pants on…I’m talking about platonic relationships. Which, by the way, are just as fucking hard as sexual relationships!
There is beauty in relationships even when they are only for a short season. There can also be pain. And no matter how short the season may have been, the pain may hurt very deeply. I don’t believe the length of time you’ve known a person can determine the depth of your connection and relationship. Deciding to be close to someone and vulnerable with them is a hard choice for me. My mind automatically starts future tripping on what could happen, and I have to remind myself to live in the present, one day at a time.
On the way to counseling today I was thinking I didn’t have anything specific to bring up and we worked out some thinking I had been doing on a few things. Not 20 minutes after I got home my phone beeped and it was an unexpected text from my closest friend in rehab who disappeared a few weeks after our release date, and I hadn’t heard from since. Fuck me. I wish that text would have come in before counseling, but I know that’s just not the way my universe works! I could feel myself shrinking into the little girl version of myself, and Terentia waking up in anger, ready to protect. I breathed deeply and reached out to a few people, who have met my crazy. I don’t know if I wanted advice or to just vomit my feelings out and get it off my chest, but both helped. I’m using parts of my conversations today in this entry because they both said things that were profound and should be shared so that others can find comfort in them as I did.
I owe it to myself to tell people how I feel and speak my mind. Caring more about other people’s feelings in the past is what led me to my addiction in the first place. I do not mean that it needs to be done with malice or cruelty, but it needs to be done. If someone has hurt my feelings, I need to let them know instead of letting them fester inside to avoid possibly hurting their feelings as well. And if they never want to speak to me again, I will feel better because I was truthful and honest.
Have I told you today that I am a lot?
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