4.16.25
As a newcomer to AA it’s not uncommon that I need to look up words from the big book. I mean, it was written a long time ago. When I read the daily reflection this morning, I had to look up dubious luxury. I was confused because it doesn’t sound that bad. Grouch – a fit of temper. Brainstorm – an outburst of passion or agitation so violent as to temporarily deprive one of reason. Then I read the daily reflection again, twice, and it resonated.
In active addiction, I would get so angry I saw red and had these types of outbursts because I couldn’t control my emotions, nor did I try to understand them to cope with them. My infrequent episodes started to become more frequent, usually triggered by hurt and pain. Towards the end of my shit show days drinking because I was happy or celebrating would easily lead to a memory or absent thought that would instantly flip the switch to hurt and pain. I was always angry, hurt, jealous, and resentful, and it became harder and harder to keep these feelings to myself. I walked around like a giant ball of fire, ready to explode at any minute. I didn’t like the person I had become; I even hated the person I had become, but I had no idea how to go back to the person I could recognize or face in the mirror. I missed her, I grieved for her.
I’ll never forget my daughter telling me she no longer recognized me as the loving mother who had raised her. And yet, that still wasn’t enough because it was still another six months before I walked in the doors at rehab, completely and utterly broken.
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