12.7.24
My Recovery, MINE! 30 days ago I was a shit show. Drunk, ugly crying, and being driven to rehab. I thought my life was over. I was ashamed, guilty, a fucking loser that felt empty and raw on the inside because alcohol was both my best friend and worst enemy. The toxic relationship was co-dependent, and I finally realized that I could not go on lying to myself and everyone else around me because it was absolutely exhausting. After the first 72 hours in a medicated detox I realized that I needed to make an important decision that would impact my life forever.
I could complete the 28-day program with no effort or desire to stop drinking to pacify my family and friends. Return home at the end of the program and start drinking again, this time it would be different. I could hide it better and not continue to isolate, stop drinking again whenever I needed to by just making myself stop – because that worked so well in the past – but this is what I was trying to convince myself of. No one really cared about me, they were just being annoying and nagging me. Here comes the OR. Or I could actively participate in the program and give sobriety a chance. 28 days with nothing to do is a really fucking long time and maybe these assholes knew what they were doing.
I had no idea that the next 4 weeks would completely transform my life. It would take several journals to write it all out, but I am trying to ‘put pen to paper’ on the skills and tools that helped me the most. Before I could fully embrace my new journey I had to allow myself to become something I despised, vulnerable. I also had to have faith in some type of higher power and ask for help from others. As a single mom and career-oriented person this was the exact opposite of everything I had taught myself to be. Once I did this, I realized that these strangers, new friends, were the same as me. Obviously, everyone is different, but we were all suffering from addiction and felt we were alone and finally became willing to seek help. We all wanted to heal and treat our disease for a better quality of life.
Coming home yesterday was a huge comfort. I know it’s gonna be hard, but it’s gonna be worth it every day that I choose to be sober. Even the shitty days will be better sober. Actively participating in rehab and my own recover is the best thing I’ve ever done for myself. I found at least one positive take away from every group, class, and meeting that I attended. The staff and my friends hold a very special place in my heart. Going through something this powerful together creates a special bond.
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