12.9.24
Our progressive assignment in rehab was to use the skills and tools throughout the four weeks of one-on-one counseling, group counseling, classes, psychiatric appointments, and meetings to create a Recovery Plan to help us once we left rehab. It was encouraged to have a family meeting at the end of rehab with family and/or friends that would be involved in your day to day recover so they understand your plans and how you hope to respond to situations after discharge. Over the four weeks I had written several drafts from the notes and handouts that I wanted to incorporate into my recovery. I was absorbing tons of information like a sponge and remember being so proud and excited to share in my family meeting. I had even decided to share my “Dear John” goodbye letter to alcohol that I had written and rewritten because when you go into rehab and that’s your first assignment, you’re lucky if you can read the handwriting and decipher what the fuck you were trying to say. It’s hilarious and horrifying to see the difference over just a few weeks. So, I’m pumped up and ready to shout from the rooftop how I’m going to handle life in the real world like a champ. I walk in to find out that my daughter was unable to make it and there a lot of hesitation in sharing my enthusiasm. After the meeting I felt deflated and couldn’t understand why everyone wasn’t cheering me on like I just made a touchdown in the last 15 seconds and won the game! I knew maintaining sobriety was going to be a hard and long road ahead, but I was being cautiously optimistic and planning for it.
Fast forward to tonight after reading chapter 9 in the Big Book, “The Family Afterward” and it hit me like a semi-truck in the face. I’m an alcoholic, people suffering from addiction are assholes. We are selfish and self-seeking in active addiction. We are capable of lying, cheating, stealing, and don’t care who we hurt in the process as long as we get our next fix. We definitely don’t think of the ongoing effects that our actions have on those we love. The hesitation I sensed in my family meeting and the reason my daughter didn’t come to the meeting is because they don’t trust or believe me. How many times have they already heard all of my lies to watch me turn right around and look for answers in the bottom of a bottle? The answer is way too many. I don’t deserve their trust; it needs to be earned back and that takes time. I can’t expect or ask them to feel this optimistic, excited, positive, and hopeful energy that I have when all I’ve done in the past has let them down. I have the willingness now to work hard to maintain sobriety so that I can accomplish this over time and heal the wounds I have caused.
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