Breaking the Cycle

7.28.25

I found myself stuck again in that lonely place called self-pity—cranky, restless, and full of anxiety most of the day. By 7 o’clock, my mind was racing at 100 miles an hour, and I couldn’t get out of my own head. I knew if I didn’t leave early for the 8 o’clock meeting, I probably wouldn’t go at all.

But I went. And, as usual, I’m glad I did.

That familiar AA phrase kept looping in my head: If you think you need a meeting, go to a meeting. If you don’t think you need a meeting, go to a meeting.

I got there early and had time to visit with a friend. We talked about how important it is to recognize our own behavior patterns and actually take steps to change them. It’s one thing to know you’re reacting from fear or falling into old habits—another thing entirely to stop, acknowledge it, and choose a different path. Breaking the cycle is hard work.

The more I get to know myself, the more I realize how much I don’t know. It’s been eye-opening. There are layers to me I never noticed before—patterns of thinking, emotional reflexes, deep-rooted beliefs that have shaped how I move through the world. Some of it’s painful to uncover, but there’s a strange kind of freedom in finally seeing it clearly. I’m not who I thought I was, and that’s not a bad thing. It means I have room to grow.

In the meeting tonight, I heard something I absolutely loved:
“I’m an alcoholic… and Ci is my problem.”
That hit me hard—in the best way. The alcohol was just a symptom. The real work is facing myself.

AA and therapy help me do that, one day at a time. They give me tools to deal with life without escaping it.

People shared openly tonight—some about pain and fear, others offering experience, strength, and hope. There was a balance of rawness and comfort in the room that reminded me I’m not alone.

I left feeling lighter. Thankful I got out of the house. Thankful the anxious fog had lifted. And grateful for this journey—not just of recovery, but of becoming more honest, more awake, and more myself.