Fucking Feelings

8.6.25

Since my last session with Lady J, I’ve been doing what she suggested — sitting with my feelings instead of running from them. It sounded so simple when she said it. But in practice, it has been anything but.

After finishing my first set of Twelve Steps, I expected a sense of closure or even lightness. And to a degree, I did feel that. There was a sense of peace, like I had finally taken responsibility for my past and started to reclaim my power. But at the same time, I noticed something else — a kind of restless anxiety that lingered beneath the surface. It didn’t go away with the Steps. It actually got louder.

It felt like a weight pressing down on my chest, like I was being held underwater. And I realized: these were the emotions I had used alcohol to suppress for years. Guilt, sadness, fear, anger — not just about my actions, but about my unmet needs, past losses, disappointments, and wounds I never acknowledged.

I’ve spent so long trying not to feel. Numbing was my default. So now, when the feelings come, my first instinct is still to shove them down, distract myself, or go completely blank. But this time, I didn’t let myself. I remembered what Lady J said: “You can’t heal what you don’t feel.”

So this week, I’ve practiced sitting in the discomfort. No numbing. No stuffing it back down. Just deep breaths and focus. I let the feelings rise — even when they scared me, even when I didn’t understand them. I’ve cried a few times. I’ve gotten angry. I’ve felt completely depleted. And yes, I’ve also felt incredibly frustrated, because I thought I was “past this.”

But something surprising has happened. The more I allow myself to fully feel, the more those feelings pass through me — like waves. They come, and I survive them. I don’t drown. They don’t destroy me.

And in their wake, I feel a little lighter. A little clearer. Like the pressure in my chest is slowly starting to lift. I’m not “fixed” or “healed” — but I’m more in tune with myself.

This has been an emotional roller coaster, no doubt. But it’s also been one of the best exercises I’ve ever tried. There’s something incredibly freeing about no longer being afraid of your own emotions. About learning to hold space for them instead of running.