09.12.25
Some days are just fucking hard. In recovery, I work so hard to change my way of thinking and living for the better. But sometimes, for no reason at all, emotions hit like a brick to the face. A life brick to the face. Today I cried a lot. My heart felt heavy. I was just sensitive.
Even after all my morning readings, I struggled with my gratitude list. The one thing I could still feel grateful for was my sobriety—because without it, I wouldn’t have the relationships I have with the people I love.
The Big Book talks about how sensitive we can be, how our emotions can run high and knock us off balance. It says, “The alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn’t think so. Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it kills us.” When I get caught up in my feelings, it feels like that—too much self running the show, too much weight on my chest.
I wanted to see my daughter. Even a few minutes with her brings me instant joy. So after work, I drove my sensitive, whiny ass over there. And while I was with her, my gratitude list started coming to me more easily. I began to mentally note everything I’m thankful for.
I know I’m getting sick, and maybe that’s part of it. Or maybe it’s just one of those days.
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