Powerless and Broken

09.22.25

The question “What changed?” has been nagging me lately.

I had to take Step One before I even knew what AA was. I thought it was a religious cult. For so long, I was angry that I couldn’t control my drinking. Angry that I couldn’t hang on to the feeling alcohol gave me — the numbness, the escape, the false freedom. I didn’t want to give that up. And anger was an emotion I was comfortable with.

I tried everything. Just like it says in More About Alcoholism in the Big Book:

“Here are some of the methods we have tried: Drinking beer only, limiting the number of drinks, never drinking alone, never drinking in the morning, drinking only at home, never having it in the house, never drinking during business hours, drinking only at parties, switching from scotch to brandy, drinking only natural wines, agreeing to resign if ever drunk on the job, taking a trip, not taking a trip, swearing off forever (with and without a solemn oath), taking more physical exercise, reading inspirational books, going to health farms and sanitariums, accepting voluntary commitment to asylums — we could increase the list ad infinitum.”

I had to find out for myself, because in my mind I was different. Special. Unique. Only when I was completely broken was I willing to admit the truth: I am powerless over alcohol. I could not go on the way I was if I wanted to live.

Maybe this has been on my mind because of the still suffering alcoholics I know, and the stories I’ve heard lately about their struggles. I want to help. I want to fix it. But I can’t. No one could have told me until I was ready. The only thing I can do for them is what others did for me — be patient, compassionate, and loving until the pain brings them to their own Step One.