Chaos

09.26.25

Ironically, I was just writing about how my new habits keep me grounded and set me up for the day…and then this morning I slept right through my alarm. It felt like a slap in the face. As expected, the panic and anxiety set in. I managed to get one quick reading in and it hurt me. I’m sure I misread it, but self-pity and self-loathing started seeping in.

Despite that, I managed to brush my teeth, text my best friend and an alcoholic, and get to work—barely on time. It’s such a strange contrast: I used to roll out of bed two minutes before, or even after, I had to be online, with no routine, and now in recovery, I need my two hours in the morning to feel settled.

When I told my roommate I’d messed up my routine, he reminded me not to beat myself up. That pause allowed me to accept the day for what it was, press reset, and calm down. I remembered I could restart my day and make it better than it started.

I contemplated skipping alumni, but I needed my people, and I’m glad I went. I chaired the meeting, but didn’t feel like sharing, so I picked on my friends by asking them to share instead—they love me even when I’m messy.

At the end of the night, I can’t help but think if this is the “chaos” of my life today, I’ll gladly take it over the chaos I lived in before recovery. I am grateful—for my sobriety, my recovery, and most of all, my humans.