09.27.25
Part of my meditation reading stuck with me today: “God’s power in your life increases as your ability to understand His grace increases.” How true that is. I still don’t call my Higher Power “God.” I’m undecided on what to call it—I just know it exists.
When I think back to the beginning of my sobriety, my understanding of a Higher Power was so small. I was angry at “God,” and I held onto what I now know were resentments toward organized religion. I was just a drunk trying not to drink, with truckloads of information being thrown at me by the minute. If I could make it down the hallway without throwing up, I was thanking God.
Over time, though, as I keep talking to and relying on my Higher Power, I’ve grown closer and started to see more of that limitless grace. What once felt impossible to believe in has slowly become something I lean on daily. My Higher Power doesn’t look the way I expected, but it shows up for me in ways I couldn’t see back then.
My prayers now are more like conversations. For a long time, I thought I was just talking to myself, but I’ve come to see that the voice of reason, the quiet nudge that keeps me grounded, isn’t me at all. It’s something bigger—something I can trust when I can’t trust my own head…because look where my own head and fuckery got me in the first place.
I had a tattoo appointment today, so it feels like I didn’t get much else done. It’s beautiful—but it hurts. Jerry, of course, just likes to hurt me with needles. He filled in a ton of the background and added a new piece to the last blank canvas: a heart monitor line with the AA symbol in the middle. I wanted something to remind me of my recovery, but a date felt too cliché. This feels right. It reminds me that without AA, I probably wouldn’t be alive—and I definitely wouldn’t feel alive either.
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