09.30.25
Typical end of the month at work today. It was long, tested my patience, and wore me out—but I don’t owe any amends tonight, and that’s a miracle.
I enjoy deep conversations. They push me, challenge me, and leave me with questions I carry long after. Last night I had a light conversation that unexpectedly cracked something open in me. A simple question came up, and the answer left me unsettled.
The truth is, I don’t like to look at myself in the mirror. I don’t like looking at pictures of myself either. I can’t help but wonder—did this habit start years ago as self-protection from body image discomfort and self-criticism? Did it come later in active alcoholism when avoiding the reflection helped me sidestep shame, guilt, and painful self-awareness? When did it start? Am I still carrying those emotions and feelings more than I want to admit?
The fact that I can even notice this pattern and ask why tells me I’m not in the same head space I used to be. Maybe the habit lingers even though some of the wounds have healed. Or maybe the wounds still run deeper than I realize. Either way, it deserves a closer look—with self-reflection and a session with Lady J.
For now, I want to hold space for the possibility that I can change this relationship with myself. Maybe it starts small like catching my reflection and naming something neutral instead of critical. Maybe it’s about gently learning to see myself without judgment. What the fuck do I know, except this is worth looking into.
Leave a Reply