10.12.25
Yep, there it is. As soon as the topic was brought up at the women’s meeting this morning, I got that life brick to the face I’d been expecting—right between the eyes.
“God is everything.”
I felt the familiar tingles of discomfort, the same ones that used to rise up anytime I heard the word God. For most of my adult life, I didn’t want to hear anything about that subject. I carried so much anger and resentment toward organized religion that I shut myself off completely from any kind of spiritual relationship. My ignorance couldn’t tell the difference between religion and spirituality.
Sitting there this morning, I felt my old habits kick in—the anger, the shut down, the urge to scream. I had to take a mental pause and remind myself: I am not in a church, and everyone is entitled to their own beliefs. As more women shared their experiences and how they understood their Higher Power, I started to feel the calm come back.
Somewhere along the way, I began to believe I wasn’t worthy of a Higher Power’s love. Those resentments, born out of fear and anger, started to pile up. It took burning my life to the fucking ground to realize that my Higher Power—whatever form it takes—never turned its back on me. It was me who walked away while it waited patiently for me to return.
I have a lot more work to do on this never-ending spiritual journey, but today’s aha moment—that I still struggle to feel worthy of my Higher Power’s unconditional love—is a step in the right direction.
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