10.20.25
I’ve been frustrated with myself all day for not accomplishing anything. If I’m honest, I’m not even sure what it is I wanted to accomplish. I’ve just felt restless and irritated, like something inside me won’t settle. It’s uncomfortable not knowing why.
The Big Book describes this feeling perfectly…restless, irritable, and discontented. It says that’s what happens when I drift away from my spiritual solution and start living on self-will again. I try to fill that emptiness with productivity or control, thinking if I just do enough, I’ll feel better. But the truth is, this isn’t about accomplishing anything. It’s about connection to my Higher Power, to others, to the present.
Page 86 reminds me to pause and ask for direction, to relax and take it easy…we don’t struggle. That line stands out tonight. I’ve been struggling all day, trying to wrestle peace out of thin air. Maybe what I really need is to stop fighting and let myself just be where I am.
Page 62 says that self-centeredness is the root of my trouble, and I can see that today. My mind’s been looping around me. What I haven’t done, how I feel, what I can’t fix. When I get stuck in self, everything feels small and my chest tight. The solution is always the same, get out of self through prayer, service, or simply gratitude.
Tonight I’m also asking myself what my will is wanting to do that I should let go? Maybe that’s what this restlessness really is. My will trying to run the show again. My mind wants to fix, to force, to make something happen, but I don’t even know what the fuck that something is. It’s like my spirit knows I’m not supposed to be in control, but my will hasn’t caught up yet.
The Big Book says when I run on self-will, I’m “almost always in collision with something or somebody, even though my motives are good.” I can see the truth in that tonight. I can sense the friction of the push and pull between my will and my HP’s will.
So maybe the question isn’t what should I accomplish? But what should I surrender? What can I hand over so I can stop wrestling with myself? Maybe it’s the belief that I need to earn rest, or that I need to prove my worth through doing. Maybe it’s just the expectation that I should feel peaceful all the time.
Whatever it is, I want to let it go, even if I don’t know how. I’ll pray for willingness, the kind that turns restlessness into openness. Tonight, I’ll be grateful for what I have and try to let everything else go.
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