Prayer

10.22.25

When I feel that desperation and loneliness that nothing else can fill, I need to pray. This morning, when I prayed, I cried. Sometimes my emotions hit me so hard I don’t even know what to do with them. They come in waves of sadness, fear, frustration, exhaustion, and I can’t seem to find the right place to set them down. I don’t know what drawer they belong in or what shelf to put them on. It feels like I’m walking around aimlessly, holding them all in my hands, heavy and awkward, anxious to find somewhere to put them.

It’s really fucking frustrating. That helpless feeling of not being able to fix it, not being able to make sense of it, not being able to shake it off. The emotions feel bigger than me sometimes, like they take up all the air in the room. And when I prayed this morning, I felt something loosen. Not fixed, not gone, but lighter.

When I prayed, I asked for direction just to do the next right thing. Afterward, I felt I was being directed to read my daily readings, meditate, and call my sponsor. And I did. I took action, even if my heart still felt heavy.

I don’t want to drink. That’s not my biggest concern anymore. That obsession, the one that used to feel like it would never let me go, has been lifted. I don’t take that lightly. It’s still a miracle I can’t explain. But sobriety didn’t erase the feelings I used to drink over; it just stripped away my escape route. Now I have to sit with the things I used to run from.

This program is teaching me how to live life head-on. How to be an adult. How to feel things fully and still face. How to trust that I don’t have to carry it all alone.