Changes

3.21.25

I automatically hear Tupac’s Changes playing in my head when I think of the word. Growing up in the 90’s was fucking awesome. Most of us were latchkey kids who watched MTV videos after school when we were bored because no shenanigans were going on and no trouble to cause. This was back when MTV used to play music videos. When we were causing trouble, we didn’t have cell phones to accidentally make our own incriminating evidence.

Anyway, change is fucking hard. Especially if we know the changes we must make are best for ourselves but will hurt other’s feelings. I can think of tons of changes in my past that I put off making at the expense of my own feelings, to spare others. Sometimes I had put them off for so long that I was suffering mentally, emotionally, and even physically. I would go fucking insane with anxiety, frustration, and restlessness that caused anger towards the person I didn’t want to hurt. The anger towards them was misdirected and I was really angry with myself for not dealing with the situation. If you haven’t guessed already, lots of alcohol was involved, exasperating it. I like to call it the perfect storm.

I have also been on the other side of this two-sided sword. People have hurt me by making changes I didn’t want but they needed to make for their happiness. I’m allowed to feel however this has made me feel, they can’t control that. Learning to understand they probably weren’t making these changes that affected me to be complete dickheads, they had to do what was best for them, helps in the healing process.

I can’t say when I was a little girl, I dreamed of being an alcoholic and going to rehab. It definitely wasn’t a life goal, but I’m glad for the experience. So here I am in my 40’s learning life coping skills and how to adult. I can’t put off making difficult changes to spare other’s feelings, it ultimately leads to a toxic and volatile relationship, hurting everyone even more. It’s better to find the courage to change the things I can so that everyone can move on and start the healing process. That all being said, I absolutely think that if the change involves someone you are close with a conversation or two is warranted before making any changes.

The end of this month I’m making a big change and put the brakes on my relationship with my candy drawers (yes, as in multiple). It’s going to be really hard, and I don’t need to have a conversation with them. But who am I kidding, I’m bat shit crazy and absolutely going to have the conversation to it easier on myself!