02.15.26
Lately I’ve been circling around a few heavy questions: Is my faith strong enough? Am I even working this program the right way? Do I have enough built up spiritually and emotionally to handle stepping outside the comfort zone I’ve worked so hard to build?
It took everything in me to expand that bubble 15 months ago when I came home from rehab. I wanted to give my recovery 100%, and I did. Meetings, new faces, uncomfortable vulnerability, honesty I didn’t know I was capable of. Recovery has been beautiful, but damn, it’s also been full of growing pains. There’s nothing soft or easy about growth, it stretches every corner of me.
I keep coming back to a quote that helped carry me through so much early on. “I never said it would be easy, but it’s worth it.” I decided to test that. To test my faith and see what would happen. A little fuck around and find out. And of course, life immediately obliged. It threw a brick straight at my face.
There are changes happening all at once in my personal life and in my work life. Some of them are things I never imagined I’d be dealing with. Not all bad. Some are good…very good. But change, even the good kind, hits hard. It stirs things up. It asks me to show up differently.
I’ve been pulling from my spiritual and emotional reserves while trying to keep making deposits at the same time. It feels like I’m doing delicate financial management with my soul. I’ve been going to meetings and trying to just listen, really listen. Soaking up wisdom from the old timers and new perspectives from the newcomers. I haven’t felt the need to share much lately. I’m absorbing, learning, letting other people’s experience, strength, and hope steady me.
I don’t know if my faith is strong enough in the way I imagined it should be. But I’m here. I’m sober. I’m willing. I’m paying attention. I have faith in a power greater than myself to guide me. And maybe that is what strong enough looks like.
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