Fuck Around and Find Out

1.9.25

Fuck around and find out has been one of my favorite things to say for years. I love it because when I say it to other people, I’m usually speaking from experience in whatever their situation is. And when I’m say it to myself, I already know I’m going to find out the really fucking hard way. It’s a real life dare, not a game dare. If you’re saying this to someone, including yourself, there’s a 95% chance someone is going to fuck around and find out.

I’m told I started fucking around and finding out before I could walk and talk. It’s a natural born talent I have. Telling me not to do something is a guarantee that I’m going take that dare, I’m going to fuck around and find out, I’m going to learn a tough lesson, and I’m going to lose. The upside to this is that I usually learn the first time around and that I’m really fucking resilient.

So why is it with alcohol ‘fuck around and find out’ didn’t work the first, or even the hundredth time? This addiction is that powerful. It starts with the basic hangover, throwing up, and letting someone else down once or twice to completely taking over your life. There are no more hangovers because there’s so much residual alcohol left in your system that you’re still drunk even if you haven’t had a drink in hours, the throwing up only happens when you eat a healthy meal because your body has been deprived of nutrition for so long it doesn’t know how to respond, and letting people down is not a surprise, it’s expected by everyone, and the new normal. Your life revolves around alcohol. Which store to go to today, where to hide it, what time is ‘acceptable’ to start drinking for the day.

This is one area that I can’t emotionally, spiritually, or physically fuck around and find out anymore. I’m on my 9th and final life. But I am finding new non-destructive ways to fuck around and find out. I’m a child trapped in a middle aged, worn-out woman’s body, and even as I’m writing this, I have a huge smirk on my face thinking about all the fun I can have!

I’m really, really, really excited that I opened my big mouth and volunteered for a service position with the alumni group a few weeks ago, and they took me up on it. I remember saying to my best friend “Self, fuck around and find out.” We had a meeting tonight and I’m stoked to be involved with something I’m passionate about. Rehab changed my life, and this is a fantastic way for me to give back.