6.10.25
Tonight was Big Book study at the women’s meeting — second Tuesday of the month. We started Chapter 9: The Family Afterward. I wasn’t prepared for how hard this one would hit. As we read, I was overwhelmed with anger and sadness, enough to make me want to leave. But I stayed. I knew hearing the other women share on the topic would help, and I’m glad I waited.
What came up for me was clear: there are two resentments I thought I had processed in my Fourth and Fifth Steps, but the intensity and rawness of my emotions tonight tell me I’m not done with them. I’m frustrated with myself for not being further along, but I also know I can’t force myself to feel better instantly — that’s not how this works. I have to let the process do what it does.
While listening to the shares, I mentally went back through my inventory — who, what, when, where, why. I will revisit those resentments tomorrow and write new ones, if I need to. It’s humbling and annoying and painful all at once.
Like the Big Book says… “But the head of the house has spent years in pulling down the structures of business, romance, friendship, health — these things are now ruined or damaged. It will take time to clear away the wreck. Though old buildings will eventually be replaced by finer ones, the new structures will take years to complete.”
That’s exactly where I am — standing in the wreckage, trying to clear it away. I’m not where I want to be, but I’m not where I was. And maybe that’s enough for tonight.
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