Grouchy

3.26.25

Somedays are just more emotional than others. Now I don’t reach for the bottle. Instead, I reach for words in a book, prayer, podcast or a song searching for the instant comfort that alcohol used to bring me. These things do make me feel better but it’s different and I’m still getting used to the differences in them. Alcohol had a way of pushing those emotions deep down, so I didn’t have to deal with them. Whereas the other options feel like more of a supportive hand resting on my shoulder while I deal with the emotions.

Today was one of those hard days. It was fine until later this afternoon and I can’t even pinpoint what caused the change. Probably realizing the day was almost over, I had tasks I couldn’t complete and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it, except wait on other people. I thought fuck this, threw my hands in the air and asked my higher power to take the wheel. Lots of prayers and talking to myself out loud. I wonder how many fucking times I have to tell myself that I am good enough before I start to believe it. Because I really don’t care what anyone else thinks.

I’m going to sit here and be grouchy for the rest of the evening because I’m stubborn. But I am proud of myself. And I’m proud of all of you too.