Held When I Need It Most

02.23.26

It feels like a lifetime has gone by since I wrote last. It’s been a long and emotional week, but I’ve decided to write about the most impactful part of it.

Friday morning shook me in a way I didn’t see coming. I got a group text saying a close friend’s partner was in the hospital because the doctor thought he’d had a heart attack. Early thirties. Too young for something like that. The kind of news that drops your stomach straight through the floor.

Panic hit me immediately. Messy, overwhelming, and fast. But instead of stuffing it down inward like I used to, I reached outward. I texted someone I trust, someone I knew could help me slow down. Waiting for his response felt like waiting for oxygen, but when it came, it helped. He’d added them to a large prayer chain and sent me a prayer of his own.

I stopped everything at work and prayed. First my own words, then the prayer he sent. Recovery has taught me how to show up spiritually instead of pretending I don’t need help. And right then, I needed help. My prayer was a lot like my panic, messy, overwhelming, and fast. But that’s me.

That’s when it happened, this sudden wave of peace, not quiet or subtle, but deep and immediate. Like a hand on my shoulder. Like someone whispering, “I’ve got this.” All the fear and panic evaporated. It felt like watching a tidal wave turn into a gentle tide in a matter of seconds. I’ve never felt my Higher Power that clearly. Not in a meeting, not in a meditation, not ever.

A little while later, an update came through that it wasn’t a heart attack after all. Still serious, still a warning sign, but not the worst-case scenario my mind had sprinted toward.

The whole experience left me with something bigger than relief. It gave me certainty. A kind I didn’t know I was missing until it hit me that strongly. I’ve questioned before, wondered if my HP was really there or if I was just talking into the void. But not anymore. That moment cut through every doubt I’ve ever had.

My HP is around me. Within me. Watching me. Steadying me even when I’m sure I’m about to come undone. Today, I’m just grateful. Grateful for the outcome, grateful for the peace, and grateful for the reminder that I’m never actually doing any of this alone.