12.8.24
While I was in rehab I chose not to speak with family and friends, excluding my daughter and best friend, so that I could focus on myself and recovery. Today I’m home and struggling to call them even though I know that I need to. I got calls and texts in rehab that I truly appreciated but the distance was needed because I was exhausted from full days and my brain was on overload. I used my weekly phone time for ‘adulting’ – paying bills and shit. I’m hesitant to call because if you are not a recovering addict you can’t understand. Even if you have dealt with a family member in recover, it’s not the same. Addiction is a disease that can be managed but is not curable. Completing rehab was just the beginning. I don’t know how to compare it except to being in your mother’s womb growing and learning just enough to get through the birthing process. I’m not an expert by any means and every day is a struggle to help myself. There is no way I can teach anyone how to treat a recovering addict. I can tell you what my early warning signs are, triggers, and thing you could say that will piss me off and immediately make me defensive. Beyond that I’m pretty fucking clueless. In my recovery and through resilience I have learned to let go of any grudges from the past so that I can move forward. A prayer we hear often as addicts is the “Our Father Prayer” that says “Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us…”. I would say to those in my life that we need to practice this. No one should have any guilt that your actions may have caused my addiction.
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