11.17.25
Sharing in meetings is still uncomfortable for me I don’t know that feeling will ever fully go away. So, when I was asked to share my story, my first instinct was to bolt like someone yelled “free shots” in the next room. Kidding. But I also knew exactly why I needed to do it. It’s a chance to share my experience, strength, and hope. To show up for other alcoholics. To be of service. That’s why two weeks ago at the women’s meeting, I said yes. And tonight was my night.
I spent all day obsessing over my notes. Rewriting, rewording, praying, calling other alcoholics, calling my sponsor, basically acting like I was prepping for the presidential debates. Then, an hour before I had to leave, it hit me. Hey idiot, you’ve been blogging and journaling for almost a year. You’ve literally been documenting every emotional meltdown, breakthrough, and “aha” moment. So I grabbed my handwritten journal, dog-eared a few entries, and hoped past-me had something wise to say.
When I got to the meeting, the first person I ran into was a friend from the alumni meetings. No such thing as a coincidence. My anxiety dropped a notch as we talked, and he told me this was the first AA meeting he ever went to in rehab, so it holds a special place in his heart. I knew that some of the current residents would be there to hear me speak tonight.
I reread the journal entries I had flagged, took a deep breath, and said one last prayer. “Don’t let me fuck this up too badly. Partly because I’m prideful, but also please take pity on me and let me make sense. Let whatever comes out of my mouth help someone…and if at all possible, please keep me from allowing my sailor mouth take over for the next hour. Dear God, please help. Thanks”
I knew three people I invited would be there, but it felt so good to see a few others I didn’t realize attended this meeting regularly. I don’t remember most of what I said. But people told me it flowed, so apparently I wasn’t speaking in tongues. And it felt good. Like really good.
I don’t know if my story helped anyone else tonight, but I know it helped me. Not just with the fear of public speaking, but in that same release I felt when I did the steps with my sponsor. Getting it out. Owning it. Letting the truth breathe. And I didn’t run from it.
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