Let’s Call Her “J”

12.16.24

Hearing the word ‘counseling’ makes my eyes automatically roll. I’ve tried it before but never stuck with it for more than a few sessions. I always told myself it was because the counselor just wasn’t the right person when in reality, I wasn’t willing at the time to give it a chance. I was making excuses because I wasn’t ready to acknowledge my addiction or accept help.

This morning, I had my first counseling session with “J” and took the willingness approach. I verbally vomiting in her ear for most of the session answering her questions about my background and goals four counseling. Mostly rambling about nothing but she asked for it! Towards the end she asked me another question, “When did you know you had a problem with alcohol?”. I’m rarely at a loss for words but I honestly didn’t know the answer and had to think about it for longer than an uncomfortable silence. I couldn’t count the number of times I’d woken up regretting things I’d done or said, better yet the number of times I’d woken up from a complete blackout and been mortified when friends told me what I’d done or said. The answer to the question is actually simple. I didn’t know it at the time, but I’ve been an alcoholic since my first taste of alcohol. WOW, drop the mic, that is a profound self-realization. I needed to realize it, I needed to say it out loud to another person, and I desperately needed to be ok and at peace with it in order to move forward with my sobriety and healing process.

Poor J is now going to need hazard pay for our weekly sessions. I’m excited to go back!