09.02.25
Today was a struggle. I told myself over the weekend that I wasn’t going to be perfect in this temporary role, that I’m not an expert in this department and my only job is to show up, assist, and ask for help when I need it. I reminded myself I have resources and co-workers to lean on. And yet, 15 minutes in, I was already losing my shit and frustrated.
My alcoholic, perfectionist brain hates not knowing. It wants me to have all the answers immediately, to perform flawlessly, to move through these tickets at the same speed I do in my own department. That voice says, “If you don’t know it all, you’re failing.” And I bought into it.
The truth is, I felt out of my element. I felt exposed. I wanted to run. Instead, I caught myself, took a breath, and walked down the long dirt driveway to the mailbox at the main road. It wasn’t far, but it was enough. Each step away from my desk was a step out of the chaos in my head. The driveway, the dust, the quiet—by the time I reached the mailbox, I felt a little lighter. It wasn’t about the mail. It was about reminding myself that I can pause, reset, and start again.
I came back and made it through the day. Not perfectly, but I didn’t quit.
By the end of the day, I felt wrung out. But I had a meeting with my sponsor and then our women’s meeting. I didn’t want to share tonight. I just wanted to sit quietly in that circle, let the comfort of familiar faces hold me, and remember I don’t have to carry everything on my own.
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