11.18.25
This morning’s Daily Reflection hit me like it had been written with my name scribbled across the top. “Occasionally…we are seized with a rebellion so sickening that we simply won’t pray. When these things happen we should not think too ill of ourselves. We should simply resume prayer as soon as we can, doing what we know to be good for us.” (12&12, p.105)
Yeah… that one stung a bit. I felt that twinge of guilt because I’ve had that exact feeling more than once in my short time in AA and in trying to build a relationship with my Higher Power. Even after coming into the program and believing that anything I go through, another alcoholic has been through too, I still sometimes slip into thinking I’m the odd one out. Like my hesitation or resistance makes me defective.
But tonight, at the women’s meeting this was the topic and listening to the other women share, I realized yet again that I’m not alone. Not even close. That “rebellion” the book talks about? It turns out it’s just part of being human, not some sign I’m doing recovery wrong. And hearing other alcoholics speak their truth helped knock that guilt right off its pedestal.
The key really is what the reading says. Pick yourself up, resume what helps you, and keep moving. No drama, no self-punishment. Dust yourself off and get back on the horse. My Higher Power isn’t tallying my spiritual attendance on a clipboard, or I would have been fucked a long time ago. There’s no time-out for hesitating. The whole point is the coming back.
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