1.6.25
I woke up in a fit of terror at 3:30am this morning. I practically jumped out of bed covered in sweat, shaking, and frantically trying to figure out what was real and what wasn’t. I was hoping and praying that it was a dream. I’ve heard about relapse dreams but thought they were over indulged. This is not the case; they are horrifying and so real! After I took in my surroundings and calmed down, I felt so defeated by my addiction and violated because I was powerless in my dream. It’s a complete and total mindfuck to consciously work so hard to train yourself in new habits and then have your subconscious betray you.
I only remember bits and pieces of my dream. It started with someone offering me an alcoholic drink that I declined, then they decided to pour me a drink and not tell me it had alcohol in it. I was upset with them in my dream for not listening to me but then I gave in and continued drinking until I was completely drunk and unmanageable. That’s when I became upset with myself for making yet another bad decision to throw away my hard work and derail all the progress I’ve made.
I spent extra time this morning reading from my daily affirmation books, the big book, and then praying to my higher power to give myself grace because I didn’t even drink! It sure as hell felt like I did though, and I never want to experience a real-life relapse. Only a few months ago this dream about drinking would not have meant anything to me, and now it’s a nightmare. I want to be strong, healthy, clear minded. I want to continue my sobriety more than anything I’ve ever wanted. I’ve learned so much already and probably have more questions than I did at the beginning of this journey, but I know that means I am heading in the right direction and have so much more to learn with every day.
So, if you’re in this battle the same as I am, don’t let these curve balls get you down. We can win the war!
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