3.11.25
Since my counseling appointment yesterday, I have been overwhelmed with sadness. We’re dealing with issues that are beyond frustrating because I don’t understand why I can’t get the fuck over my sadness they make me feel. I could talk and cry through the feelings enough to realize the root emotion is failure. I failed the two people I love the most, each in different ways. Causing me to fail myself as well. The logical part of my brain has learned a lot the past four months.
- No matter what I do or say, it will never be enough.
- I can’t control others’ actions, feelings, or emotions.
- I’m not responsible for others’ happiness.
I wish the logical part of my brain could convince the rest of it, my heart, of these facts and so many more. I guess that’s why it’s called growth, healing instead of healed, and recovering instead of recovered. My addict mind wants instant results like alcohol used to provide, but I am retired from that and facing my demons now. AA teaches to strive for progress, not perfection.
I just finished my daily gratitude list, hit my knees, and read On Awakening from the big book. Until I put my trusty #2 to paper, all I wanted to do was crawl back into my bed for the day. My Higher Power is my community and support system; thinking about my HP is giving me the strength I need for today. I’ll take another 24!
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