5.31.25
I finished my Fifth Step today with my sponsor. The experience was truly sublime.
I came prepared—with spreadsheets, printouts, lists, and notes. You name it, I thought of it. Organization helps me feel in control, especially when diving into something as personal and emotionally charged as this. Against my nature, I refrained from bringing my whiteboard and mapping things out with charts and graphs. That was a real internal struggle. My OCD was in full force, and it took all the skills and tools I’ve learned just to let the process unfold without over-engineering it.
We took our time, sitting on a shaded patio surrounded by nature, with two adorable pups lounging nearby. It felt peaceful, grounded. My sponsor is a blessing—truly. She’s knowledgeable, understanding, patient, and insightful, just to name a few of her many gifts. We spent about four hours going through everything, carefully and thoroughly.
Step Four was about dragging skeletons out of the closet and putting them on paper. That alone began to lift a massive weight I’d been carrying mentally and emotionally for years. With each thing I wrote down, I felt myself beginning to breathe a little easier, beginning to feel freer.
But Step Five? That was like dynamite blasting through a concrete barrier. Speaking those truths out loud made them real—but also released them. It was both relieving and exhausting. It was also deeply spiritual, in a way I wasn’t quite expecting.
After we finished, I followed the direction from the last paragraph of Step Five in the Big Book, just as my sponsor advised. When I got home, I took time to pray and sit quietly in reflection. I wanted to be honest with myself—had I really held nothing back? Had I done it thoroughly? And in that quiet, I felt a calm certainty: I had done this step to the best of my ability.
Today marked another turning point. I’m grateful, exhausted, and at peace.
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