10.02.25
I worked from home today because I feel scattered, tense, and anxious about this weekend trip. It’s just a four-hour drive to my brother’s house. Just. And yet I can’t stop spiraling. It’s been years since I’ve gone anywhere. Back when I was drinking, I would make excuses—“I have to take care of the animals”, “I have to work”—but mostly I just hid. Isolated myself. And now, sober, leaving my comfort zone still terrifies me. Anywhere outside the Treasure Valley feels like stepping into another universe.
The animals are taken care of. Thankfully my roommate is handling the dogs and cats — the dogs like him better than me anyway. Kendall will come by, mostly to visit Poppy, who is a little terror and can’t be left alone with the dogs unsupervised so she will be safe in my bedroom for the weekend. I don’t even want to imagine the war zone that would be if she were free to roam.
I did laundry today. I made a late lunch for Kendall when she came to visit. That was nice. A little bit of calm before the chaos. I went to a meeting tonight, but I couldn’t focus. My mind was bouncing from packing to worst-case scenarios to memories of past failures, then circling back to the trip. I was thinking about how small I feel, how trapped my comfort zone has made me, how scared I still get of leaving it—even for something good.
I know this trip will be good. I’m excited to see my family. And yet…I just need to have a tiny bit of faith and actually get my ass in the car Friday. That’s it. Just get in the car. Everything else will follow.
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