03.08.26
Lately I’ve been doing a lot of Fourth Step work. The whole reason for it is fear, looking honestly at the things that drive it and the ways it has shaped my thinking and behavior. It isn’t always comfortable to dig that deep, but I know it’s necessary if I want to stay spiritually healthy and keep growing in my sobriety.
At the women’s meeting this morning, the topic was surrender. It’s been the topic at a lot of meetings this past week. Or at least that’s what I heard. Listening to other women share about their relationships with their adult children made me stop and reflect on how blessed I am to have a strong relationship with my daughter today. My first thought was that I’m lucky, but luck had nothing to do with it.
Before I got sober, I had done a lot of damage to that relationship. Like dumpster fire damage. There were broken promises, poor choices, and behavior that hurt the people I loved most. Getting sober and working my program gave me the chance to start repairing that relationship. Today I try to live my amends every day through my actions.
Reflecting on surrender this week, I realized something important. I have completely surrendered when it comes to alcohol. I know without any doubt that I am powerless over it. That surrender saved my life.
But practicing these principles in all my affairs is where the real challenge shows up.
I still catch myself wanting to control the outcomes of everything around me. I want things to go the way I think they should go. Somewhere in my mind there’s still that voice that thinks I know what’s best.
This morning I had to eat a piece of humble pie again and remember that I don’t know fuck all about what’s best. Not for other people and usually not even for myself. That realization isn’t comfortable, but it’s honest.
Surrender isn’t something I do once and move on from. It’s something I have to practice daily. Sometimes that means letting go of fear. Sometimes it means letting go of control. And sometimes it just means remembering that I don’t have to run the whole world.
If I want to stay sane and stay sober, I have to keep surrendering everything, one day at a time.
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