Checking Myself

06.02.26

Last night, something a friend said in the meeting hit me hard, maybe a little too hard, but in the way that kind of stuff usually does when it’s something I needed to hear. It shook something loose in me. It made me realize I’ve gotten out of the habit of having those real, honest talks with G.O.D., not the polished ones, not the ones I think I’m supposed to say, but the raw, gut-level truth about where I’m actually at.

I still start every day reminding myself that I am an alcoholic and that today is a reprieve, not something I earned and not something I get to keep without effort, but something I only get if I stay honest and willing. I do my gratitude list, I read, I say my prayers, and I tell myself I’m good with it. But if I’m being honest with myself, I’ve been going through some of it on autopilot, checking boxes instead of actually turning myself over.

And that’s where I get into trouble. Because every time I start running on autopilot, I slowly take the wheel back. And when I take the wheel back, it’s only a matter of time before I end up in the same place, restless, irritable, overwhelmed, and heading somewhere I swore I wouldn’t go again. Maybe I’m not drinking, but I’m not free either.

So I’m checking myself today because I can feel where that path leads. I am surrendering, not perfectly and not all at once, but for real today. And when I say everything, I mean everything, my thoughts, my plans, my need to control how things play out, my reactions, all of it. My track record is clear. Left to me, I complicate everything and create problems that don’t need to exist.

This isn’t weakness. This is me remembering what it felt like in the beginning when I was desperate enough to actually ask for help and mean it. Somewhere along the way, I softened that edge of desperation, and with it I lost some honesty. So today I’m coming back to that place. Not hopeless, but honest about the fact that I still need help. A lot of it.

“Please direct my way of thinking.”
“Thy will, not mine.”

Today those aren’t just words, they’re a lifeline. Because my thinking gets loud, it gets convincing, and it will take me out long before I ever pick up a drink if I let it run unchecked. I don’t want to live like that anymore.

Life is busy right now. There’s a lot on my plate, and some days I feel like I’m barely holding it together, like I’m one step behind everything. I can feel that pull to disconnect, to isolate, to just push through on my own. But I know where that leads. Being busy is not an excuse anymore, it’s exactly when I need to lean in harder, not pull away.

So today I’m keeping it simple, because that’s the only way I stay sane. I’m not chasing perfect. I’m not trying to get it all figured out. I’m just trying to stay in this, one day at a time, one honest moment at a time.

Today, I stay surrendered.
Today, I stay willing.
Today, I stay teachable.