06.10.26
Today when I turned on my computer, the screen greeted me with, “Hi Ciana, how are you today?” My first thought was that if it really wanted to fucking know, I was prepared to unload on it. Instead, I took it as a sign that it was probably time to sit down and write.
I’m struggling right now. I have a great opportunity for growth at work, and I’m grateful for that. But with that gratitude is grief. I’ve poured my heart and soul into my work for years, especially since beginning my sobriety journey. I’ve worked hard to maintain balance between my job, my personal life, and my program. Work has become more than just work to me.
Work grounds me. When I lose myself in a project, solve a problem, or build something better than it was before, I get relief from the noise in my head. I can focus completely on what is in front of me. It gives me purpose, accomplishment, and a sense of peace. I’m proud of what I’ve built and what I’ve contributed, and I’m scared to death of losing that.
It’s interesting is that I’m not necessarily afraid of the future. My Higher Power has given me a sense of peace that I never had before. I truly believe that a power greater than myself is working on a plan for me that I can’t yet see. There is such relief in knowing that the outcome isn’t my responsibility. I don’t have to force, control, or figure everything out.
But surrendering the future doesn’t eliminate the grief of the present. Yesterday I was reminded that it’s okay to grieve things other than people. People often think of grief as something reserved for death, but grief shows up anytime we experience loss. We grieve relationships, dreams, chapters of life, identities, and even jobs. We grieve things that mattered to us. We grieve things that helped shape us. We grieve things we loved.
Allowing myself to feel that grief doesn’t mean I’m ungrateful for new opportunities. It doesn’t mean I lack faith. It doesn’t mean I’m resisting change. It just means that what I’m leaving behind mattered.
Last night I needed fellowship. I needed time with my sponsor and my sponsee sister before the meeting, and I needed the meeting itself. Listening to the women share, especially the newer than me newcomers, was exactly what my heart needed. Their honesty, vulnerability, and gratitude reminded me where this program brings us from and where it can take us if we’re willing.
Hearing them talk about the lives they are gaining helped put my situation into perspective. Growth often requires letting go of something familiar. Recovery itself is built on that principle. We let go of what no longer serves us so something better can take its place.
I don’t know exactly what my future holds. I do know that today I can be grateful and grieving at the same time. I can trust my Higher Power and still feel sad. I can look forward to new opportunities while mourning what I’m leaving behind.
Those are not contradictions. They’re part of being human.
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