Rocks

03.24.26

I’ve been in a mood lately. Not loud and explosive. Just a steady, grinding irritation humming under everything. Restless, discontent, easily thrown off by things that don’t fucking matter. The kind of state AA describes perfectly. When I’m not spiritually right, I end up irritable, restless, and discontent as a baseline.

There’s no major resentment or crisis driving it. It’s the small stuff. Minor inconveniences, expectations, things not going my way. Instead of letting them pass, I’ve been holding onto each one just enough to keep it with me, letting them stack up.

By Sunday, I could feel it physically. I went for a walk with the dogs, hoping to clear my head. Not a peaceful walk. An agitated walk. I wanted to kick rocks, throw rocks, shoot rocks. Just get some pressure out. Somewhere along the way, I thought about Drop the Rock and it clicked.

Why are you carrying the rock? Put the rock down.

No one handed it to me. I picked it up piece by piece every time I insisted something shouldn’t be happening, every time I replayed something minor, every time I reacted instead of letting go. None of these things were big on their own, but together they turned into something heavy.

The Big Book talks about being driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity. Underneath all these irritations is self. Wanting things my way, on my terms, on my timeline. When they don’t, I push back internally. That constant resistance is exhausting.

Resentment is the number one offender. I tend to think of resentment as something big, obvious, but lately it’s been showing up in smaller, quieter ways. Same effect, just easier to justify, harder to catch.

Surrender and acceptance are the answers I keep circling back to, but they’re not simple in practice. Letting go feels like giving up control, even when the control I think I have isn’t real. What I’m feeling is exactly what happens when I keep trying to manage everything myself.

Turning my will and my life over isn’t a one-time decision. It’s a daily, sometimes hourly, practice, especially in the small moments where I usually tighten up instead of letting go. That’s where this has been building. Nothing major, just a pattern of holding on.

I don’t need to fix everything or suddenly feel different right now. But I do need to stay aware of what I’m carrying and be willing to let some of it go. Even if it’s just pausing, recognizing it doesn’t need my energy, and loosening my grip a little.

I don’t have to keep building a bad day out of small moments. I can practice putting the rocks down as I notice them. It’s not perfect, and it’s not immediate, but it’s a better direction than where I’ve been heading.

Simple, not easy. Drop the fucking rock.